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Married, but in love with another

In 2012 I met a woman that I thought was very special from the start, there was an immediate click between us.

Normally I do not have that so often. I had been married happily for years and am father of two kids.
This woman was following our courses and very soon we really started to like each other.
We didn't want this, so we decided to stop all contact, she was also happily married and mother of two children.

The chemistry was so strong, that we got back in contact and one day we cheated.
Again we decided to stop all contact, but we couldn't resist so after almost a year we were again in contact.

In the mean time she divorced and I am in relationship therapy with my wife, that knew about all of it from the start. I told her from the beginning that I had feelings for somebody else and she understood. I also honestly told her I cheated.

We talked about divorce but she would like to keep the family together. This creates a lot of frustration, because there are hardly any feelings anymore and we live together without really being together.

Many times I tried to take a distance from the other woman, but mostly that works only for a little while. We are so fond of each other.

I am not the kind of person that immediately goes for divorce, don't want to hurt people, always wish the best for everybody and am always ready to support and am always honest, love my children and feel attached to family and friends.

Never expected this from myself and don't know how to deal with this.

Don't sleep so well, my work suffered immensely from it (I have my own business), don't dare to look at myself in the mirror anymore and inside my head it is one big chaos. Mainly feel like a bad person.

What should I do now, I don't know anymore.


Anonymous
> 2 years ago

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Reply:

I can imagine that you are in a difficult position.

When I read your story, two things come up in me:

1) You write that there are hardly any feelings anymore for your wife and that you live together without really being together.

Would you like there to be feelings again?

If so, then together with your wife, you could put energy in making contact again. That is a choice. Communicate open and honest with each other. Create time together. Have quality time together.

The question is: do you (still) want to make that choice?

2) An other approach would be to take some distance for a while. Both from your wife as from the other woman. Book a hotel for a while, or a holiday house, and spend some time with yourself.

It makes sense that you mainly miss the other woman, because you don't see her so much and mainly in pleasant circumstances. That triggers desire.

When you also place yourself out of the situation with your wife, that you can also feel what that triggers in you. Maybe you will notice that you miss something of being together with her. Maybe you will notice how good you have had it and maybe could have again.

Time alone with yourself can give a lot of perspective on where you are right now and what you want.

It might also be that you find out that you really would like to stop the relationship with your wife. Then it is at least clear.

But first of all I think it is important for you to come into action and do something else. So make contact with your wife or take time alone to get some perspective and feel what you want.

What are you going to do?


E.
> 2 years ago
Reply:

Thank you for the reply,
We talk about it, but it is not easy, there is a lot of misunderstanding and often it ends up in bickering back and forth.

I proposed to be on my own for a while, but she doesn't want that to happen. We try and do nice things together, but there is still tension.

I will propose again to be on my own for a while.
Thank you!


J.
> 2 years ago
Reply:
J I really understand what you're going through. I have to congratulate you on being honest with your wife from the get go. Telling her that you were attracted to someone else was a huge step.

It's really easy to say "oh if you both make the effort you can be happy again" - but I don't believe that's always the case. And it sounds like the woman you have been in contact with is more than just a physical attraction. After all, it has lasted years.

I just wanted to say that it would be a shame to miss out on someone that might be your soul mate just because you think that you should 'do the right thing' and stay in the marriage because that's what your wife wants. The chances are that your wife will eventually find someone that truly loves her as she deserves to be loved in the now. Good luck x

Sam
> 2 years ago

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