Pain in the relationship with two partners

Hello Angelique,

I think there are different things happening simultaneously.

1) your boyfriend is cheating on his wife
In an open (polyamorous) relationship it is often important that there is openness and honesty among the different parties.

From that open attitude every party is treated with respect and everybody can express open and honest what his or her needs and choices are.

You boyfriend, with whom you would like to continue, is married, doesn't want to divorce and is cheating with you. So there is not much openness and honesty to all the parties.

You can look into it for yourself what you want to do with that:

> would you like to continue like this, while your boyfriend doesn't choose for you?

> Would you like to have a boyfriend who is married and cheats?

> What does it say about him, that he is somebody who does that, cheating on his wife?

> And what does it say about you, that you fall for a man like that?

2) Your relationship with your husband
You write that you had a good time with your husband and his other lover. And that in general you have a good marriage.

Also here you can do some self observation.

> What changed for you? Is it your feeling in love with somebody else, or are there other things having an influence as well?

> Do you want to divorce from your husband? Or do you only want that when this means you can continue with somebody else?

3) Your relationship with yourself
Also here some self observation questions:

> How happy are you with yourself?
> Do you need a man to feel happy?
> Are you also able to enjoy feeling in love without acting on it?

Good luck!