Adultary, affair, cheating, infidelity - peer support forum
Adultary, affairs, cheating, infidelity
Do you suffer from adultary, an affair, cheating, infidelity?
For a lot of people it's helpful to write down and share their story. This open forum is a great place for:
- Getting things off your chest.
- Reading the stories of peers.
- Connecting with peers and responding to stories.
Read the stories of other people with who experienced adultary, an affair, cheating, infidelity and share your story.
Last year my husband told me he had fallen in love with a colleague. That scared the shit out of me and I didn't understand it at all. We never had fight, did we? My whole life was about to fall apart, was this the man that I loved?
I thought I knew him, my husband would never do such a thing and then even if... I would immediately sense it when there was something wrong, right? It made me feel so insecure that I decided to seek help.
After a couple of individual sessions, we went to relationship therapy together. My husband wanted to know how this could have happened. It was a lot of effort (mainly talking a lot, fighting, blaming, making up and listening to each other to start to understand each other) but we did start the new year together.
He wants to stay with me and I notice that my feeling of trust is slowly growing again. Especially after a good conversation in which I feel that he really listens to me and my pain and understands my feelings of loneliness.
It also hurts him and this I also see and feel. It's strange, but that is what makes the distance between us fade away, what makes me feel closer to him again. It will be fine between us. Without support we would not have made it.
I found out that my boyfriend dated another woman for a year. No sex, but app everyday, send pictures.
To him it doesn't mean so much, just some tension and distraction. But for me it's really hard. To me it is not normal that you have contact with another woman everyday.
After more then a year being heavily in love with another man I feel the need to write this down and get it off my chest. I am a 35 year old woman, married with two kids. My ex-husband was not very helpful, But my feelings for him are completely gone.
The relationship is not a relationship for me anymore, already since years but I had nothing to fall back on and because my feelings for my colleague there was completely no passion or excitement anymore. Evenmore.. I sometimes felt slightly aversed...
A year ago I fell hopelessly in love with another man. Because of my work I see him regularly. We had for a long time daily contact via whatsapp, with very exciting messages back and forth. Many times we decided to stop this, but every time again our (verbal) contact turns sexual again.
Eventually we felt each other a bit, but otherwise nothing happened. He also immediately expressed that it would not go any further then this. And I was convinced I wanted to continue with this man... I never told him, because he said he was happy in his marriage. I notice he does feel something for me, but he doesn't want to give up his marriage and is maybe not completely open and honest to me.
Recently I lied to my ex husband, because he sensed something was on and I told my ex and family that I never cheated, but I'm still completely in love with him. It's not just an infatuation, he has been in my head for over a year, 24 hours a day... It feels like he is the love of my life... it hurts...
Feel a strong longing to tell him honestly about it, so that he knows what I really feel for him. Although I also think he will tell me he cannot give that love to me. I know it is best to get him out of my head, but I don't manage.
And in the mean time I lied to my own family and I lost what I held dear. My ex husband still wants me back, but don't know what to do now should I be honest and tell my ex and family what has happened or should I persist in saying that nothing happened. Because when I tell the truth I will lose him and his family and friends and those are the only people who believed in me and are there for me.
What should I do, I hope somebody can give me answers, because I really made a mess of it.
My partner confessed to me that she has had an affair. This is now in between us. It is difficult for me to trust her. She has not been honest with me for a long time.
But she says it is over now and that she wants to stay with me and our family. I find it hard to accept what has happened.
I understand what you write. It took me many years as well. And still actually, even though it is already ten years ago.
We dealt with that alone. Now I saw on Ted.com a clip from Esther Perel. And looking back I wish we would have done therapy. I think we would have gone through it faster. At least look that clip up. Maybe it will help you.
In any case, good luck!
P.s. my name is not really Esther, I just used it now because I thought of her.
My sisters partner cheated on her for 6 months. While she was pregnant of their first baby. For her, for him, for their surrounding a very sad and angry and difficult time.
It strikes me how hard people judge when it is about cheating. Everybody has an opinion about it.
Sometimes I don't even dare to express that I am actually not that mad, but that I hope that they come out stronger. Nobody seems to share that opinion. It's unpopular.
Still my sister seems to want to stay with her partner. It hurts me to see that she hardly gets any support from her friends. They think she's crazy. I also understand that. I also do not agree on cheating, but... well, it's complex.
Happy that I can share about this anonymously. Gives some space already!
Wow, I think it's beautiful how you deal with this. You are definitely a big support for your sister. And yes, the judgments of the surroundings. Happened to me too. I don't talk about it with anybody. Because of the judgments and the bad painful jokes. It hurts so much when this happens to you. Wish her good luck from me.
Hello Anonymous 04
Thank you for your sweet words. This is a big support for me.
My current boyfriend was cheated upon by his first lover. He was 19 when he found out. Now he is 37. I see in him and in our relation that this experience still effects him. It's not that he is jealous or anything. He gets angry very fast when it comes to lying or cheating.
He himself is very loyal and honest. That seems like a good thing. And it is. But sometimes I doubt weather the loyalty he has to his friends and family is maybe unusually big, for his own good. And that loyalty is sometimes standing between us.
Besides that, I notice that he is afraid that our relationship might end. While I don't understand why, because we're doing very well.
I really think it is because of this experience in the past. I wonder if people recognize this.
My girlfriend is also very loyal to her family and friends. In general I think that is a good quality. I used to have the idea that she would do a lot, too much, for others, but by now she is better at feeling what is important to her and make a choice considering that too.
She is still sometimes afraid that our relationship will end and that I will leave her for another woman, while there is not reason for that in my eyes, because we have a good time together. She can also get jealous.
But also this became 'softer' since she became more aware on this and learned to feel who she is, what she wants, and doesn't fall in the trap of following old drama's/ thoughts.
Had a stomach reduction. Because of it I got more attention from other men. That's what ended the relationship with my current boyfriend. Don't like it. What to do about it?
Getting more attention from other men can of course be very pleasant.
An ex-boyfriend that doesn't know how to deal with that is of course not pleasant at all. Apparently that man didn't fit in your life anymore, the way you are now.
I don't know if there is much you can do about that. The best is to just be who you are and then somebody will cross your way who knows how to deal with who you are and the effect you might have on others.
I was together with my ex-boyfriend for 2,5 years, and all that time he cheated on me. It turned out that when we met, he had already been in a relationship for 4 years. He made me belief that it was his ex-girlfriend that could not let him go.
It sounds so weird. Almost like a soap series. That I did not notice that. And still. I didn't know any better I think because that's how it was from the start. You understand? It's not that he suddenly had a different behavior. He was just always like that.
In the end it all came out when he started to date a third woman. My friends call him a psychopath. And to be honest, that helps. It helps me to see it was him, I don't have to doubt myself.
Still I did not go into any relationship for 5 years after this. I think that was good for me. Only after two psychologists (cognitive and EMDR) that I dared to bind myself again.
It is still in the back of my mind. I know it can happen. That changes my relation. I know; at some point it can go wrong between us.
Two months ago I found out that my husband has had a relationship with another woman for a year. I was bewilderd, this is not his style. I thought he had lost it completely.
In therapy I found out that I am always so much focused on other people, that I completely forget my own feelings and wishes. And that I "apologized" my husband for what he had done, because 'he's not like that'.
I felt disappointed in him, but I didn't realize that I was also very angry. Only when I started to feel that, I also showed him. Strange, but that helped.
Because I did not make him smaller, but gave him the responsibility for what he had done, I started to feel my anger and stand for my boundaries. And that created respect in my husband for me and eventually even more interest.
We started relationship therapy now. I don't know where it will lead to, but I do feel a lot better already.
Maybe this will help someone. Stand up for yourself, don't put yourself and your feelings down!
I recently found out that my husband is having contact with a colleague via whatsapp. It's not only about work, but clearly sexual and exciting messages.
I never look in his phone, but I started to feel suspicious, because he is often in his study in the evenings. I thought he was working, but when I came in, he was quickly putting his phone aside.
A few days later I decided to check his phone and he deleted everything, but there were some messages from this woman. When I confronted him with that, he said it didn't mean anything because it were only some whatsapp messages, a kind of play. To me it felt more like cheating.
What should I do with this?
Jee, what a story. I can imagine in it is not easy to discover you have different ideas about boundaries. That you feel it is cheating and that he feels it's jokes. If I would be in your place I would find that difficult.
I hope that you are able to keep talking about this. In a constructive way. That you can share your side of the story without fighting or wanting to be right.
It's easier said than done of course, but I think I would try that first: try and have a good conversation about it.
Whatever you will do, I wish for you you find a solution together. Much luck.
I have been living together for some years now. My boyfriend is very happy with me and our relationship. I love him very much and see our future together. I think he's fantastic. He is also always there for me.
But we only have sex once a week. In the beginning this was much more. For him this is completely fine, but I long for more.
After talking with him about this, I was read to accept our sexlife the way it was. But the thought of being with another man became more and more interesting. And it became more and more difficult to reject the attention I got from other men.
I am against cheating, but still it has happened. I cheated and had sex with somebody else. The flirting, the tension and the foreplay felt very nice. But the sex itself felt wrong.
Now I am very angry with myself that I did this. How could I have cheated on him...
No I wonder if I should tell him. He told me once that he doesn't want to know when I would cheat. He would be devastated. But I also deserve the consequence for my action.
I hope there are people that recognize themselves in my story. That can tell me how they dealt with it....
Well... you put yourself in a difficult situation.
It is for sure a moment to feel and think about weather you really would like to stay in this relationship and if so, how you would like it to continue.
Apparently you have more need for sex then your partner does. There are many ways to deal with this. You do not need to cheat for it.
> See if you can enjoy your longing for sex, without acting on it. The feeling of longing alone can already be fantastic, without doing anything with it.
> See if you can enjoy masturbation more often. You can satisfy your sexual needs also by yourself.
> Look at the possibilities for an open relationship. Within an open relationship, it is very important to be honest.
Best of luck.
I think that's a very difficult question; tell him or not tell him. Personally I think that telling him will often damage too much.
I think I would rather not know, but that the problem is still solved. You know what I mean?
So if my partner would have cheated because we don't have enough sex, than I don't want to know that he's cheating, but I would like that he tries to talk with me about that he wants more sex.
Well, anyway, that's what I think about it.
You know already if you're going to tell him or not?
You just followed your feeling, it is much fun.. the attention.. that's just so.. keep it for yourself and let it be a life lesson.
In 2012 I met a woman that I thought was very special from the start, there was an immediate click between us.
Normally I do not have that so often. I had been married happily for years and am father of two kids.
This woman was following our courses and very soon we really started to like each other.
We didn't want this, so we decided to stop all contact, she was also happily married and mother of two children.
The chemistry was so strong, that we got back in contact and one day we cheated.
Again we decided to stop all contact, but we couldn't resist so after almost a year we were again in contact.
In the mean time she divorced and I am in relationship therapy with my wife, that knew about all of it from the start. I told her from the beginning that I had feelings for somebody else and she understood. I also honestly told her I cheated.
We talked about divorce but she would like to keep the family together. This creates a lot of frustration, because there are hardly any feelings anymore and we live together without really being together.
Many times I tried to take a distance from the other woman, but mostly that works only for a little while. We are so fond of each other.
I am not the kind of person that immediately goes for divorce, don't want to hurt people, always wish the best for everybody and am always ready to support and am always honest, love my children and feel attached to family and friends.
Never expected this from myself and don't know how to deal with this.
Don't sleep so well, my work suffered immensely from it (I have my own business), don't dare to look at myself in the mirror anymore and inside my head it is one big chaos. Mainly feel like a bad person.
What should I do now, I don't know anymore.
I can imagine that you are in a difficult position.
When I read your story, two things come up in me:
1) You write that there are hardly any feelings anymore for your wife and that you live together without really being together.
Would you like there to be feelings again?
If so, then together with your wife, you could put energy in making contact again. That is a choice. Communicate open and honest with each other. Create time together. Have quality time together.
The question is: do you (still) want to make that choice?
2) An other approach would be to take some distance for a while. Both from your wife as from the other woman. Book a hotel for a while, or a holiday house, and spend some time with yourself.
It makes sense that you mainly miss the other woman, because you don't see her so much and mainly in pleasant circumstances. That triggers desire.
When you also place yourself out of the situation with your wife, that you can also feel what that triggers in you. Maybe you will notice that you miss something of being together with her. Maybe you will notice how good you have had it and maybe could have again.
Time alone with yourself can give a lot of perspective on where you are right now and what you want.
It might also be that you find out that you really would like to stop the relationship with your wife. Then it is at least clear.
But first of all I think it is important for you to come into action and do something else. So make contact with your wife or take time alone to get some perspective and feel what you want.
What are you going to do?
Thank you for the reply,
We talk about it, but it is not easy, there is a lot of misunderstanding and often it ends up in bickering back and forth.
I proposed to be on my own for a while, but she doesn't want that to happen. We try and do nice things together, but there is still tension.
I will propose again to be on my own for a while.
For one and a half years I had an affair with a married man. His marriage was not going so well and was about to fail. I was also married myself, am mother of 3 young kids. My husband came across messages from/to my lover. He wants to give our marriage another chance, so that's what I tried.
But after a couple of weeks, the pull was too strong and I missed my lover. My marriage was not bad, but there was also no passion anymore, it just didn't work anymore. I contacted my lover again and that meant of course the end of my marriage...
he was still married, they are trying, trying relationship therapy and stuff, but I was always in between, so that it was impossible for him to get back on track with his wife. So they were also headed for divorce. I was convinced that after 1,5 years of waiting, I would finally have my happy ending. That man is the man of my dreams. We work together, he has a higher position and I look up to him. I don't want another man, I want him.
But, their divorce was cancelled and he decided to stay with his family! He wanted to try again with his wife and try to keep the family together. She knows about me and decided to deal with it and forgive him.
But I cannot let him go! He asked me to stop sending him messages, but it was stronger then me. I kept sending him sweet messages and eventually he couldn't fight it anymore and started sending back. After their family holiday, what was supposed to be their reconciliation time, I was able to seduce him to come and see me again.
And yes, I am sure he loves me, because he came to see me and we had wonderful sex like before. After that I send him emails everyday to show him how much it meant to me. But that mail was seen by his wife. She was furious and threatened to report me as a stalker to our boss!
Now my lover stopped all communication with me, besides some work related messages and I feel desperate. I hope that his wife after his last cheat, will dump him after all! I compare him with every man, I only want him and I only want to kiss him!
I'd rather spend two hours alone with him then have two weeks completely free to do what I want.... I understand him much better then his wife, we are a bit similar.... Tips anybody how to win my soulmate back?
Situations like this, where you have an affair with a married man with a family, hardly ever ends up in a happy ending for the 'third person' in this case you. A man almost always chooses for the family (if his wife lets him).
And when you also have an hierarchical working relation with him, it's almost certain it will end with an unhappy ending for you.
So my advise would be to redirect your attention and don't focus on him anymore. Focus on yourself.
I don't have tips how to win a married man for you, but I do have tips for self observation.
> you write he has a higher position than you and you look up to him.
Is that important to you? Would that explain a part of the attraction you feel towards him? Is that a good base to start a relationship from? What would a more equal relationship look like?
> So he is married and went on holiday, but he was seduced by another woman (you) with whom he had sex.
Is this your picture of a dream man? Somebody who has a family holiday, says he chooses his family and then let's himself be seduced by another woman.
> So now he completely disconnected from you. He wants to try and make his marriage work. But you want tips to win him back.
Is this the woman you would like to be? Would you like to be somebody who tries to separate a man from his family?
My girlfriend (almost 6 years) recently told me that she cheated on me many times. It hurts immensely, but still we/I want to continue.
But about the cheating we didn't really talk so much, only briefly but nothing clear... (she is also admitted in a psychiatric institution because she things so bad about herself) despite that we talk about many things and say we want to work on our relationship, it seems like she escaping the hard part... saving the relation through sharing.
I don't find words so easy and because of that I am often judged for what I say, at least that's how it feels. So I am ready to fight for this relationship, and I suggested relationship therapy, to me feels like that's being postponed. Saying that she wants to work on the relation, but not doing anything from her side.
Today I made the step to contact a relationship therapist. I feel extremely desperate and don't know what to do now.... I definitely want to, but I don't know how anymore. I cannot stop thoughts and feelings.
What to do?
I can imagine tat it is very painful that your girlfriend cheated on you, even more than once.
When I read your story, it looks like there are several problems.
1) There are problems in your relationship. It looks like you do not talk enough with each other. And somebody cheated.
2) Your girlfriend has a problem. She as admitted in a psychiatric institution.
3) You have a problem. You shared that it is difficult for you to express. And you don't know what to do now.
About the last one you said you took the step to contact a relationship therapist. I think this is a very good idea.
In this crisis-situation it is important to have a place where you feel safe, where you can openly investigate what you want and what steps to take.
Together with your therapist you can look into different questions like:
-How can I learn to express?
-How can I learn to communicate with somebody (like your girlfriend)
-How can I deal with the pain of being cheated on?
-Is this relationship supporting for me (us)?
-Would I like to continue with this relationship and if so, in what way? And if not, how to continue?
And probably many more questions you would like to look into.
I wish you all the best in this process.
I cheated after a hectic period of getting children, new job, moving... There was hardly any intimacy between me and my partner anymore. We run a business together. Love each other very much.
Now that it came out, my partner doesn't know if she wants to continue with me and I feel terribly guilty and horrible....
Anybody recognizes this?
I don't really recognize what you write, as somebody who cheated. I do recognize it is as someone who's partner cheated.
Maybe it sounds harsh, it's not meant like that, but I think it would be good for your partner if you tell her you feel guilty. Maybe you should tell her, just so that she knows.
Maybe it also helps to talk about it and put time in it. My partner didn't have so much patience with me and that caused that we didn't make it. Maybe if he would have had more patience and would have dared to talk about it, we could have made it. Then I would not be so lonely now.
I hope you manage.
My partner is much less interested in sex, kissing.. exciting messages.. I need this... the attention...
I am 40, in the light of my life and I notice I like attention, I am decent, but I don't know for how long, try to prevent the dragging routine to happen. But it has to come from two sides, often hear I look good, miss the excitement.
Lust... what should I do???
Talk about it with your partner
How would it be if you would communicate with your partner open and honest?
I cheated. It happened in the heat of the moment. Now I regret it....
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