The most insane connection

I have the most insane connection with a man who mirrors me in every way. I’ve been in love with him for quite sometime, we weren’t dating though and ultimately I saw things in him that I was sure would suit me and my long term goals. Then I met his best friend, and he swept me away with gifts, money, attention and doing every little thing for me to make me happy. And I was for a short while, I asked the man who I really loved for some distance but never told him about his best-friend and I. But as it does, overtime, I started to take the rose coloured glasses off and saw the love bombing and controlling behaviours that I’d been lying to myself didn’t exist.

I didn’t even love him but it was so easy to say to him to get what I wanted… life was easy, I was enjoying the fruits of one man and then furthering the connection with the one I really loved. I even moved the man who was looking after me in with me. For 6 months I ran this life, dissociated and delusioned myself so heavily that I didn’t even recognise myself. at about month 3 I realised what a horrible mistake I was making ( obviously I knew what I was doing was wrong from day dot don’t get me wrong) and how everything counted on them not telling each other as I’d sworn them to secrecy.

My infidelity came from a place is selfishness and greed. It also came from a place of trauma and daddy issues, I craved consistency that I didn’t think I could get from the man I was falling deeper in love with, I was scared of that but so intrigued in my own feelings. I didn’t cheat for sex or cause I wasn’t in love or I wasn’t happy. I was just easily swept away into a relationship I didn’t want to be in and had gifts and money thrown in my face to hide the truth of who he was, and like a fool I played into his games.

shit hit the fan mid October and I later found out the guy i’d moved in with me has Limerence. (look it up VERY interesting) so after I broke up with him properly because he didn’t want to I’ve been trying to repair things with the man I love dearly. I hate myself and am doing everything in my power to fix what was broken with him because I truely can’t imagine doing life without him, he feels the same way but the pain and hurt is so strong it’s almost unbearable for him.

I wanted to prove so badly how much I’m going to change and work on myself for him that I got his initials tattooed on me. My friends all think he’s playing me to get even and honestly… I would deserve that, but truthfully I don’t think he is. So I’m fighting for us and growing as a person and wanting to understand WHY I did it. cause everything i’m reading doesn’t align with my motives and I feel very alone. I have been fully accountable this whole time and done everything in my power so far to show him how eager I am to fix this. And I know he sees that, but he still wants to understand why why why and as do I.

I’m hoping by getting some different kinds of therapy and reading a bunch and educating myself that I can learn and bring to him what I’ve found to help us going forward.
I’m open to criticism and advice.