Fear of commitment or abandonment - peer support forum
Fear of commitment or abandonment
Do you suffer from fear of commitment or fear of abandonment?
For a lot of people it's helpful to write down and share their story. This open forum is a great place for:
- Getting things off your chest.
- Reading the stories of peers.
- Connecting with peers and responding to stories.
Read the stories of other people with fear of commitment or fear of abandonment and share your story.
In a relationship (that I didn't call as such :-)) we had a very intense alternating fear of commitment and fear of abandonment.
One moment she had fear of abandonment and I had fear of commitment, and the other moment it was the other way around. We were like two magnets that were continuously pushing and pulling each other.
It was also like an addiction. When she came too close, then I got scared and wanted to run away. But when she took a distance, I felt an addiction and I wanted to be with her.
It was one big drama and although I knew that this relationship was not good for me, the feelings and the addiction to them were too strong.
What freed me eventually, was something I read on the internet. It was about when you are intimate with someone, you start to resonate in the same vibration. So it is better to not be intimate with someone you do not want to be like.
Then I asked myself "do I want to be like this person?" and the answer was a clear "no". By looking at it like this, I started to take a distance. Luckily she did the same. That's how I 'escaped' this drama.
I had a relationship where she lived on the other side of the country and we saw each other in the weekends, or sometimes every other weekend.
Despite the fact that she lived so far away, I still felt suffocated and did not feel any space.
For almost a year I had permanent stress. When I woke up I felt for a moment no stress and then the stress came (from the relationship). Because I did not want to hurt her, I did not end the relationship and I stayed in it. I did not feel the power or the freedom to step out. It felt like I was drowning in an ocean.
Obviously also the quality of the relationship got worse. Luckily she ended the relation and I was free again. Even after it ended, I felt the permanent stress for almost a year.
I took a long time before I recognized my own fear of commitment. I had many times relationships that were short and dramatic with men that didn't want a relationship with me. They kept letting me down. And as soon as I was almost over it, they came back for one night of fun. And I was always the one that was desperately longing for a relationship. So who would've thought I was the one with fear of commitment?!?
It took me a long time before I could see that I only wanted to 'commit' to men that were not able to commit. When I met a very sweet guy, he would never catch my eye. Friends could not stop me or explain it to me. Their explanations sounded more like judgments to me.
It took many years of tears and therapy to get out of this pattern. Now I am together with a super sweet man for 2,5 years already. We are very fond of each other.
I am 38 years old and I never really had a serious relationship. My relationships were always short. I always started out already with the idea it wouldn't last long. I never realized this, I know I am picky and I just thought it wasn't 'the one'.
A few months ago I met somebody with whom I have for the first time the feeling that it could work out. But for some reason I keep pushing her away when it feels good and it's going well.
We can have a perfect evening together, but then I get a certain fear. Which makes me unconsciously push her away for example by taking a distance, have less contact, be less caring to her. This is of course not so nice for her and she feels insecure about the relationship. Something is blocking me when it goes (too) well. As if I don't allow myself to have a nice, warm relationship.
At first I thought I just had to get used to a 'normal' relationship, that I had a bit trouble giving up my freedom.
But I have the idea it's deeper. In my youth (and later) I have never seen/ received much homey warmth from my parents. It was not talked about. It was very uncommon to get a hug. I also never saw my parents being loving towards each other.
Could this be the reason why I feel fear now that I am in a warm relationship?
I have the same but am on the other side.
My boyfriend has your age, has never had a serious relationship and lives alone since a long time. We are together for two years now, the first months were fantastic, we were in love and everything went well.
But that changed. He wanted to be more on his own. He also blocked his feelings and when I wanted to talk about it we got into a fight, which he also couldn't handle.
We were going to live together, but he told me it scares him and expressed that he'd rather be alone. He would like to live together with me, but he is not able to he says. He gets physical issues (headache, belly ache, stress)
What to do with this? I think he has fear of commitment. How would you like your girlfriend to respond to your insecurity?
I long for security.
It is, just like for you, a good step to realize you're scared and to see that the cause has a deeper meaning.
I hope you find a way.
In response to your story:
What could be a support is when you give your friend (even more) space. When you try to hold or pull him it will probably have the opposite effect.
I can imagine you long for security, but that probably contributes to his feeling scared.
What supported me (somebody with fear of commitment) was that my girlfriend, or actually we both, took it step by step.
At first it was always the plan (my plan) to keep two houses. Until circumstances forced me to live with her for a month (thanks to the internet company who failed to supply me with an internet connection). As it turned out it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Shortly after, I moved in.
What helps me is that my girlfriend doesn't talk about the future too much, but also doesn't avoid the subject, but talks about it step by step, so that I can get used to the idea and it doesn't feel so frightening anymore.
I have fear of commitment. We had a weekend-relationship. In these weekend I had regular fear attacks and I got tensed. During the week I could relax again and gain strength again.
Now I live together with my girlfriend since some months. The fear of commitment becomes stronger and now I don't have time anymore to regain strength. The impulse to run away becomes stronger.
But I don't want to quit the relationship, because I think I will regret. But the fear is sometimes just so strong...
I can feel with you.
I also had an enormous fear of commitment. Even the word 'relationship' gave me already the creeps.
I can give you some tips that supported me.
1) be honest and open about it when you feel the fear. Talk about it with your girlfriend. And ask her if she can ask you in such moments what it is that you need.
2) Realize that you never have to commit to anything permanently. You are always free to make another choice later. Now you chose for your girlfriend because that is what you want now. But you do not know what the future holds.
3) Take plenty of space in your relationship. I like it for example to sleep alone, in my own space, my own room. I told my girlfriend about that from the beginning.
Sometimes it might be hard for her, but this is how it is, this is the best I can do for now.
4) you do not have to fulfill all your girlfriends longings.
5) take it step by step. In the start of our relationship it was always my plan to live in two houses. Until circumstances forced me to stay at her place for a month and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
But still I wanted to sleep in separate rooms. Until we started to travel and it turned out that we could sleep in one room, but preferably in two beds.
And now we are even able to sleep in one bed, with a 'buffer-zone'-pillow between us. And earplugs in, so that I still have the feeling I am in my own space. I am able to this temporary when we are for example on holiday.
But when we are back home, I like to sleep in my own room again. Often this is for me the most comfortable.
But by taking small steps I was able to stretch my free space.
6) check out the other tips on this website. There are also tips for your girlfriend. You can make her your ally, so that you can work on it together.
I had a very strong fear of commitment. Dating someone felt like a step too far. I often already got tensed when I was looking at profiles on a datingsite. That was because I had learned from the past that once I was in relationship, it was hard to 'escape' from it.
Speeddating was a nice solution. To start to feel free again in a fun and non-binding way.
I also feel fear of commitment in friendships. When I have the feeling someone claims me, then I feel suffocated. I can get that feeling very fast, for example when a friend wants to skype or call. Then I can already have the feeling I 'have to'. I like it best when the initiative is on my side. Then I can express it when I feel space for it.
I don't know what it is. My partner has fear of commitment, at leas, I think so. Whatever I do, I cannot reach him. He keeps retreating. Recognizable for anybody?
Luckily I got him to go to a relationship therapist with me. I hope it will work...
I have had a very bad relationship of about 10 years. I was together with a man that had a borderline personality. He had manic depressed moods. Anybody who knows a little bit about this will probably understand that it was exhausting for me. He sucked the life out of me, both psychic and emotional.
After this experience I didn't dare to go into a relationship for a long time. Now, since one and a half years, I am relating with a man again, but the fear that it will again pull me down is still very present in me.
Often I just don't belief that my boyfriend loves me. My ex also loved me, but his illness left its traces in me. So love has become something I cannot trust. This idea keeps ruling me. Together with a therapist, I explained my boyfriend what it means to have a relationship with someone who has borderline. He understands it better now, but the fear keeps coming back.
Mainly doubt about the relationship, wanting to break up or make a fight to test if he will stay. Those are my ways to deal with it, but of course they don't work. It has to be perfect, he has to meet up to many expectations. Otherwise I fear it will be at my expense.
I made an appointment with a therapist again, because it keeps coming back. And I keep having fear and the need to send him away or break up with him.
I have fear of abandonment. Sometimes I fear my partner will leave me for somebody else. There is not really a reason for that, because we have a very pleasant relationship for some years already. And still this fear of abandonment is there...
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