Communication problems - peer support forum
Do you suffer from communication problems?
For a lot of people it's helpful to write down and share their story. This open forum is a great place for:
- Getting things off your chest.
- Reading the stories of peers.
- Connecting with peers and responding to stories.
Read the stories of other people with communication problems and share your story.
It is difficult for my partner to talk and express his feelings.
I have to keep on asking him about his feelings, as if I have to pull it out of him. Sometimes that is hard.
Someone who doesn't easily speak about his feelings, often doesn't feel completely 'safe'. Afraid to made fun of or feels like going down when he starts feeling and sharing about it.
It can help to comfort such a person: it is anyway fine, whatever you say. For me it was also not easy in the past. But I have noticed that I feel more relaxed when I share things. Good luck!
It is difficult for me to say "no" in a relationship. I always have the tendency to "please", don't want to hurt, or want to protect. This causes a lot of stress for me in relationships.
I see that your patience is being tested. Seems not easy to me to be patient everytime you feel you have to keep asking questions and pull things out of him. I hope you will start to see some progress soon. Good luck!
I recognize what you write. Very difficult! How to deal with it? With the tendencies, and the stress? I hope it is going better. Good luck.
Me and my partner always say the same thing: please start to see it from my side of the story. Like this, we do not hear each other. We always want to be right and we always wait for the other to come first.
This pattern was recently made visible to us by our relationship counselor. That made me think. In the heat of the moment I do not change yet. But I feel that sometimes even before the fight starts, I change my thinking pattern. I look at it as a small step in the right direction.
My boyfriend and me are together since 7 years now, we love each other very much, but we have a fight every week.
He can respond on things that happen or things I say in a way that is difficult for me to deal with. I am startled, close off or start crying...
Last weekend I ran away from his place, because in my eyes he was losing control. He cannot handle it when I run away or warn him that I will do that and I cannot handle his outbursts.
My boyfriend says that he is just like that, he just can react a bit strange sometimes. That I should not take that personal. How do I learn to deal with that? How can I manage to not take his angry outbursts personal?
Last week he smashed a plate to the kitchen wall with the result that the tiles on the wall broke. He says I made him do that. I hate that and I would like to change that, I told him but he doesn't have any confidence anymore that I will change...
It looks like you have quite some problems. If you want this to change, I would definitely recommend relationship therapy, or if not, therapy for yourself.
When I read your story, the problem is not only on your side. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to have a healthy grown up response to certain situations.
Smash a plate to the kitchen wall out of anger? Seriously? That is not a healthy grown up response...
You could divide your situation in three parts.
1) How you feel and how you respond to him.
2) how he feels and how he responds to you.
3) How you relate yo each other in your relationship
When I read your story, professional support is needed. If you do not want that (yet), than start some self observation.
You could ask yourself the following questions:
1) How would I like to respond in certain situations?
2) Am I actually happy in my relationship? If not, what can I do to feel happy again?
3) How would I like my boyfriend to respond to me in certain situations?
And try to start a conversation with him on a relaxed moment, where you can speak to him from a grown up and autonomous space. Share with him how you feel and what you would like, without forcing him to do that.
And the other way around: ask your bodyfriend to share in a calm way how he feels and what he would like, without forcing you to do that.
I wish you good luck.
Thank you for your reply, I know that it is not just me. I just would like to learn to deal with our conflicts without getting completely stressed out all the time.
Point 1 I like... how would I like to respond in certain situations. I think there might be the solution to the problem.
I know that my emotional responses, my sensitivity is bringing it to a peak. That's also what he always says... when he reacts in a certain way I shouldn't take that personal. But that's what I find difficult... I cannot handle the screaming...
We thought that there was not so much wrong in our relationship. We never had a fight. Still we were not really happy anymore.
The first appointment with the relationship counsellor brought up that we actually do not really communicate with each other. We never talked about how our day had been, about what we experienced and especially never about our relationship.
So the first assignment was a challenge: Eat together at the table. Talk about our day. No more dinner in front of the TV. The first week was really uncomfortable. Almost felt like we were playing theater. But it starts to become more normal now.
How hard it is to really communicate in a relationship we do not learn that. We wrap our relationship up and expect it to stand for the next 40 years with maybe some difficult periods.
Very refreshing that the relationship therapist showed us that we are actually doing quite fine. But also brought us back to the reality, to have less expectations towards each other.
The difference between men and women is often underestimated. Very good and helpful that the relationship therapist made that clear to us.
My wife is now able to accept me better as I am, doesn't try to change me all the time and doesn't expect things I cannot and want not live up to. This took a lot of pressure off.
We postponed it a long time, but eventually started relationship therapy. Was a good decision, we really moved on.
To start to see that anger can make sense, but often doesn't help you get what you want. Rather the opposite. It's much more effective to talk about what you do want then what you don't want.
We listen better to each other again. Really take the time to talk, during a walk or something like that. Now there is hope again for a good future together!
Somebody who doesn't talk about his feelings so much, often doesn't feel completely "safe". Scared to make fun of himself or scared to drown when he starts to feel and share.
Can help to comfort somebody: it is anyhow OK what you say. It was not so easy for me in the past either. but I discovered that I feel more calm when I share my things. Good luck!
I shared something before on this website when I had a hard time. Now I'd like to share something positive. Actually the opposite of communication problems... communication solutions!
Yesterday night I noticed I was quickly annoyed by my partner. But I couldn't put my finger on it. Normally I keep on trying, and in the end I still push him away. but this time I did something else.
As agreed with my therapist I went to bed early to keep some distance and I thought about what was really happening and how I could express that in a positive way to him when he would come up. Luckily it took a while, because I needed time for that. But when he came up, I was able to express with the lights off what I would want. And he responded very well to that.
Today I feel very proud about that! Proud about us. We did not get into trouble yesterday, but came closer together. I will enjoy going to my therapist again next week!
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